Why I Started Blogging

I've always liked writing. I have been writing in my diary or writing poems forever. Recently I was in a, I don't know what to call it, (a depressing, troublesome, sad) situation. I did not know what to do or how to express myself, so I started writing. I would still be at my computer writing and saving everything within my personal documents if it had not been for a very close friend of mine. She continued to tell me that I needed to blog, and when she began blogging it motivated me to express myself. Now I'm here and expressing my feelings publicly and this is already starting to allow me to feel a certain change in my inner being.

There's no nice or less direct way to say this, but my son, Alyasaa, died. I carried him for the full 9 months, everything seemed fine until the end, and he died. There is a lot I want to say on this topic. Alyasaa's death was something new to me. Something I would not have ever expected and would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A parent burying their child has to be one of the worst feelings. And not knowing what caused him to die tortures me when I let it. Noone needs to go through that kind of pain. I didn't know what I would do next. I didn't want to go back to work where everyone knew I was pregnant yet had no pictures of Alyasaa alive to share, and I definitely didn't want to talk to familiy and friends. I just didn't want anyone to be sad for me. I didn't need any sympathy, and still don't want it now. I just wanted and still want my son; someone I've been waiting for since I got married. I knew I would quickly go through my two years of school and get pregnant as soon as possible. And I did! But I lost him faster than the time it took to plan for his arrival. I know I'm saying a lot now, but there is a lot more to this topic. I would truly have to dedicate two or more blogs for Alyasaa'. He was a stillborn child, but he effected my life greatly.

So hurt and not knowing who to talk to or how to talk about the matter, I began typing all of my feelings. I mentioned what I was doing to my good friend, Tsahai, and she continued to tell me that I needed to post my feelings on this site. Life happened and I never got to it. I got pregnant again, thank God, but I still went through my emotional mood swings. I was still documenting everything I went through but never simply sat down and started blogging. Once again and again, Tsahai menttioned that I need to start blogging until she started blogging herself. When I read her posts for the last two months, it motivated me. I enjoyed reading about her posts. They allowed me to get to know her just a little bit better, so I thought maybe people would know and understand me more if they read my blogs. So we'll see if it works.

Besides people getting to know me better, I just needed a place to vent. So here I am. Expressing my feelings publicly and reading other blogs. I hope this will work like therapy for me. I hope people aren't afraid to comment back. I really would like to hear what people think about me, so feel free to be open with me.