It has been decided that my family will move to Atlanta. I'm having so many mixed feeling about it so I thought I'd share some.
(Throwing out the negatives feelings first) I don't want to move to ATL because..
All of my close family is in Miami
All of my close friends are in Miami
My daughters AWESOME godparents live in the area
I am getting along with my in-laws but I don't want to move in with them and take a chance of ruining our relationship
I have a steady schedule as a substitute and a great chance of becoming a teacher at the school where I'm working
I have connections with the drama department where I can start helping with plays
My daughter goes to a GREAT daycare with two of her cousins
I love the relationship my daughter and nephew have (him being the same age as Alyasaa' would have been)
I want to move to ATL because..
As bad as it sounds, I think it would be a great experience to get away from my family. As much as I love them, sometimes it feels good to be away from them. Yeah that's why I live with my hubby now in our own home, but my family is so close that everyone is in everyone's business
I never went away for college so I feel like I'm going to another state for school. I feel like I'm 18 heading to college with my hs sweetheart/babydaddy lol
I think that I will be more patient with my hubby around his family.
Something I'm learning now, but I've noticed that when we were dating I knew to be calmer around his family.. I wasn't fake but just how you carry yourself differently around more mature people than the people your age
My husband is about to have surgery
Gabe is giving his uncle his kidney and giving away your kidney can increase your blood pressure. I want his life as stress-free as possible.
We'll be able to live with his family
This will allow us to save our money to get a house when we move back to Miami
I'll have more help with Riyya
I take it literally when they say "it takes a community to raise a child" that's why I love Riyya's godparents. But there are times that I'm at home and I could really use the extra help. I know I have Gabe, but he works two jobs. He will voluntarily help me, but I don't bother him because I know he needs as much rest as he can get and he helps me a lot already (believe me).
I'll have more time
I want to do so much. Gabe wants to go back to school and so do I. I want to become a counselor and I want to write. So also back to the extra help, I'll have time to go to school and write (and spend time with my family)
Speaking of spending time with my family Gabe working two jobs, there's no way he'll be able to get back into school down here. He'll have no time for school, so he'll have to drop a job. Him dropping a job will not give us enough to survive unless I get a job where I work the summer (and that's possible) but that will take away from family time.. Hmm..
I would work that extra job, but when there's that way that opens where I can spend time with my family and keep my schedule, I began to look at moving to ATL as a better decision. I love my family so they win with any decision making. So so far it looks like we're heading to ATL.. What do you think?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Trust
I'm in a crazy situation. I have the hardest time trusting people. Me not being able to trust people also puts a damper on me making friends. So in the recent years I have opened up, and I have made some GREAT friends. At the same time, I have met some people who have taken advantage of my kindness and have caused me to back track. Now I'm at the point where I don't want to trust anyone again.
I hate being at this stage of my life. And I'm mad at the people who cause me to feel this way. We can easily say to avoid people who will cause me to be negative towards everyone, but these people are sneaky. They're the kind people who smile in your face, but when a situation arises where you need them, they don't have your back. Yet, when they need you, they know they can call you at the drop of a dime. I'm talking about those people who try to balance things. I'll drive to the restaurant which took up 10 dollars of gas and they think they did me a favor by buying me a $3 meal. I'll watch their 5 children all week and they think they evened it out by babysitting my child for 2 hours during nap time.
I don't know what to say and I don't know how to feel. Do these people know that they're rude and taking advantage of people? How do I avoid them when they seem nice the first time we meet. Should I just keep the friends that I have and avoid making new ones? Is that being closed minded? I'm telling you I'm really stuck. I don't want to make any more friends. I'm good with the ones I have. At the same time, I thought I was good with the friends I had before and my husband told me to make more friends, and I did. I met some great people. That's one of the reasons I'm questioning if it's worth closing up. Will I miss out on the opportunity to meet more great people?
I may not be able to trust people, but let me trust God. I just need a way to open up without being too open. Let me know what you all think about that? Have you had similar situations? How have you handled it?
I hate being at this stage of my life. And I'm mad at the people who cause me to feel this way. We can easily say to avoid people who will cause me to be negative towards everyone, but these people are sneaky. They're the kind people who smile in your face, but when a situation arises where you need them, they don't have your back. Yet, when they need you, they know they can call you at the drop of a dime. I'm talking about those people who try to balance things. I'll drive to the restaurant which took up 10 dollars of gas and they think they did me a favor by buying me a $3 meal. I'll watch their 5 children all week and they think they evened it out by babysitting my child for 2 hours during nap time.
I don't know what to say and I don't know how to feel. Do these people know that they're rude and taking advantage of people? How do I avoid them when they seem nice the first time we meet. Should I just keep the friends that I have and avoid making new ones? Is that being closed minded? I'm telling you I'm really stuck. I don't want to make any more friends. I'm good with the ones I have. At the same time, I thought I was good with the friends I had before and my husband told me to make more friends, and I did. I met some great people. That's one of the reasons I'm questioning if it's worth closing up. Will I miss out on the opportunity to meet more great people?
I may not be able to trust people, but let me trust God. I just need a way to open up without being too open. Let me know what you all think about that? Have you had similar situations? How have you handled it?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Why I Started Blogging
I've always liked writing. I have been writing in my diary or writing poems forever. Recently I was in a, I don't know what to call it, (a depressing, troublesome, sad) situation. I did not know what to do or how to express myself, so I started writing. I would still be at my computer writing and saving everything within my personal documents if it had not been for a very close friend of mine. She continued to tell me that I needed to blog, and when she began blogging it motivated me to express myself. Now I'm here and expressing my feelings publicly and this is already starting to allow me to feel a certain change in my inner being.
There's no nice or less direct way to say this, but my son, Alyasaa, died. I carried him for the full 9 months, everything seemed fine until the end, and he died. There is a lot I want to say on this topic. Alyasaa's death was something new to me. Something I would not have ever expected and would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A parent burying their child has to be one of the worst feelings. And not knowing what caused him to die tortures me when I let it. Noone needs to go through that kind of pain. I didn't know what I would do next. I didn't want to go back to work where everyone knew I was pregnant yet had no pictures of Alyasaa alive to share, and I definitely didn't want to talk to familiy and friends. I just didn't want anyone to be sad for me. I didn't need any sympathy, and still don't want it now. I just wanted and still want my son; someone I've been waiting for since I got married. I knew I would quickly go through my two years of school and get pregnant as soon as possible. And I did! But I lost him faster than the time it took to plan for his arrival. I know I'm saying a lot now, but there is a lot more to this topic. I would truly have to dedicate two or more blogs for Alyasaa'. He was a stillborn child, but he effected my life greatly.
So hurt and not knowing who to talk to or how to talk about the matter, I began typing all of my feelings. I mentioned what I was doing to my good friend, Tsahai, and she continued to tell me that I needed to post my feelings on this site. Life happened and I never got to it. I got pregnant again, thank God, but I still went through my emotional mood swings. I was still documenting everything I went through but never simply sat down and started blogging. Once again and again, Tsahai menttioned that I need to start blogging until she started blogging herself. When I read her posts for the last two months, it motivated me. I enjoyed reading about her posts. They allowed me to get to know her just a little bit better, so I thought maybe people would know and understand me more if they read my blogs. So we'll see if it works.
Besides people getting to know me better, I just needed a place to vent. So here I am. Expressing my feelings publicly and reading other blogs. I hope this will work like therapy for me. I hope people aren't afraid to comment back. I really would like to hear what people think about me, so feel free to be open with me.
There's no nice or less direct way to say this, but my son, Alyasaa, died. I carried him for the full 9 months, everything seemed fine until the end, and he died. There is a lot I want to say on this topic. Alyasaa's death was something new to me. Something I would not have ever expected and would never wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A parent burying their child has to be one of the worst feelings. And not knowing what caused him to die tortures me when I let it. Noone needs to go through that kind of pain. I didn't know what I would do next. I didn't want to go back to work where everyone knew I was pregnant yet had no pictures of Alyasaa alive to share, and I definitely didn't want to talk to familiy and friends. I just didn't want anyone to be sad for me. I didn't need any sympathy, and still don't want it now. I just wanted and still want my son; someone I've been waiting for since I got married. I knew I would quickly go through my two years of school and get pregnant as soon as possible. And I did! But I lost him faster than the time it took to plan for his arrival. I know I'm saying a lot now, but there is a lot more to this topic. I would truly have to dedicate two or more blogs for Alyasaa'. He was a stillborn child, but he effected my life greatly.
So hurt and not knowing who to talk to or how to talk about the matter, I began typing all of my feelings. I mentioned what I was doing to my good friend, Tsahai, and she continued to tell me that I needed to post my feelings on this site. Life happened and I never got to it. I got pregnant again, thank God, but I still went through my emotional mood swings. I was still documenting everything I went through but never simply sat down and started blogging. Once again and again, Tsahai menttioned that I need to start blogging until she started blogging herself. When I read her posts for the last two months, it motivated me. I enjoyed reading about her posts. They allowed me to get to know her just a little bit better, so I thought maybe people would know and understand me more if they read my blogs. So we'll see if it works.
Besides people getting to know me better, I just needed a place to vent. So here I am. Expressing my feelings publicly and reading other blogs. I hope this will work like therapy for me. I hope people aren't afraid to comment back. I really would like to hear what people think about me, so feel free to be open with me.
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